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Magda's Journal

Saturday, July 30, 2011

2:25PM - It's the sure shot

Because I need to get going. Get gone. But here I sit. And the Great Blue Heron I saw and the Red Winged Black Bird all ran and hid. Shouldn't we be so awake we pop?

I'm going to say this now. I have no idea what I am doing. If I look like I do, please don't be fooled. They put that "Don't feed the animal" sign up for a reason. Heed its warning. Do not be tricked by flattery or beguiling eyes. Don't run, but just turn and walk away. The only way to be sure it's dead is to leave it alone.

Horned sea stars and beaded necklaces bump up against each other in morning dreams, vying for the memory to take them into waking.

Current mood: antithesis

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

11:41PM - I don't remember starting this.

Taurus Horoscope for week of May 5, 2011

 You're an animal! And I mean that in the best senses of the word. Your vitality is heading toward peak levels, and your body is as smart as it gets. If you were ever going to act as if every move you make is a dance, now would be the time to do it. If you ever wanted to explore the righteous blending of grace and power, this is a perfect moment. Give yourself permission to be a fluid bolt of ingenious fun, Taurus. Play hard and sweet, with sublime ferocity.

So here is where you stop. The path of fame... if i had pursued this, what would i have done. Surely it would have been acting, but would I ever have been good at it?

 Yes, yes my dear you would have sparkled. Like a tiny star way up in the sky, twinkling its heart out, waiting for someone to notice and admire you. But you would have been lost to the city lights. Lost for the millenia of man stuffed in their boxes, suffocating, unable to produce a people that would love the universe as much as themselves.

How is it that we see this one thing but call it two things? I want to be happy, but my mind tells me I want to be miserable. Because that is what the mind does. And I wish I could say that I am not these things that I fear I am. But I do not know. Which is the problem... right?

Current mood: impressed

Thursday, August 26, 2010

5:49PM - Miike Snow

Animal lyrics

There was a time when my world was filled
with darkness, darkness, darkness
then I stopped dreaming now i supposed to fill
it up with something, something, something
in your I see the eyes of somebody knew before
long, long, long ago
but im still trying to make my mind up,
am i free or am i tied up

I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when i slip yeah i slip
I'm still an animal

There is a hole and i tried to fill up with money, money , money
But it gets bigger to your hopes is always


In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up Or you free or are you tied up

I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
I'm still an animal

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal

I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when i slip yeah i slip
I'm still an animal

Thursday, July 8, 2010

5:24PM - La Vie en Rose par Edith Piaf

Des yeux qui font baiser les miens,

Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche,

Voila le portrait sans retouche

De l'homme auquel j'appartiens

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas,

Je vois la vie en rose.

Il me dit des mots d'amour,

Des mots de tous les jours,

Et ca me fait quelque chose.

Il est entre dans mon coeur

Une part de bonheur

Dont je connais la cause.

C'est lui pour moi. Moi pour lui

Dans la vie,

Il me l'a dit, l'a jure pour la vie.

Et des que je l'apercois

Alors je sens en moi

Mon coeur qui bat

Des nuits d'amour a ne plus en finir

Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place

Des enuis des chagrins, des phases

Heureux, heureux a en mourir.

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas,

Je vois la vie en rose.

Il me dit des mots d'amour,

Des mots de tous les jours,

Et ca me fait quelque chose.

Il est entre dans mon coeur

Une part de bonheur

Dont je connais la cause.

C'est toi pour moi. Moi pour toi

Dans la vie,

Il me l'a dit, l'a jure pour la vie.

Et des que je l'apercois

Alors je sens en moi

Mon coeur qui bat

Current mood: lit up

1:16AM - How Many, How Much

How many slams in an old screen door?

Depends how loud you shut it.
How many slices in a bread?
Depends how thin you cut it.
How much good inside a day?
Depends how good you live 'em.
How much love inside a friend?
Depends how much you give them.

A Light In the Attic. Shel... Shel! Silverstein- I love you.

He's totally right too.

Current mood: indeclarable

Sunday, July 4, 2010

1:57PM - Coming Apart~ Chapter Wound Two

In the ether of relationships, in the great haze that is the human condition, it's easy to get lost. Easy to forget the way that you came, lose track of your reasons for being on this path. Lose sight of who you are, and thus obscuring your vision of those around you.
In the ether of relationships it's easier to see yourself as the only real thing floating in the void, detached. Safer, if the only thing you are worried about is your ego being hurt.
If only two wrongs did if fact make a right.
If only my gut were more in charge of my decisions.
We are all friends because we are all one, regardless of how our constructed realities block, disguise, beat-down these truths.
My constructed reality is in need of some serious structural work.
In the ether of the human condition I will find a way as brilliant as the stars.

Current mood: leaning

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I hate it when men have less firm handshakes than I do. I mean, I'm okay and all with living in a post-feminist society, but you are still men. Aren't you?

Current mood: umbilic

Friday, October 21, 2005

4:22PM - Cloudy with Spots of Rain

Everything I post is posted at crazy hours. Something I posted Sunday showed up as Tuesday. Whatever.
Perhaps my problem is I am looking for immediate results. Looking for emails, waiting for phone calls, insisting on communication when I have been asked to be patient. Immediate results with everything. School, work, money, people. These are things I ignore, while petitioning for a reaction posthaste.
Seems incongruent, Magdalene. To say the least.
So hear me, now. I am sorry. For saying things I do not mean. Doing things I do not say. Meaning things I will not do. I have expected everything, and brought nothing.
I do dishes. I read some. I have been trying to cut down on my hours spent watching Law and Order (This has been happening more than I could have imagined.) But other than those things, I do not feel very productive. I'm not sure what is happening, because I'm not even smoking right now. I thought that would help.
I talked to Rick online today. I told him I haven't talked to Linsy in a month. That could be a lie. It feels like a month. Perhaps it has been longer. This is what I am talking about: I tell her boyfriend, knowing that two things could happen. She will either call, beacause she feels guilty, or she will not call and feel guilty. On top of all this, Rick now knows that Linsy has not spoken to me in a month, and will want to know why. It is most likely that she will not want to tell him why, because she has not even wanted to tell me why. So why in heaven's name did I say something to Rick? Because I wanted to, because I was feeling neglected.

For a while I really missed my bike basket. I got over it. But I can't shake missing my rain jacket. I get angry a lot that I don't have it. I'm only hoping it's somewhere in the South Jersey region. If you have any information on it, I'm offering a reward to those who aid in its recovery.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

5:50PM - Tired

She sits at the embankment, tired. She dips her toes into the water annoyed at the sudden nip in the air. She won't go swimming now. If she hadn't been looking around for her keys, she would have been there in time to become pruny before dusk settled. She sat by the water trying to remember the phrase used by her father to explain his worry, grief, or doubt. She surprises herself by how much she cannot remember. It pleases her some, for she must have forgotten a very many bad experiences along with the few good ones.
Alone she goes back to the house in which she has been living. Her landlady gives her a funny look, when she comes in with leaves and twigs in her hair. So, instead of rolling down the hill into the large field at the west end of the lake, she hops on her bike and pedals hard. She pauses for a moment at the top of the big hill, to look at the town. The sun is setting behind the mountains behind the town where people are sparse. Her mind flashes memories of pristine beach and an infamous outlaw's stolen grave. They leave as quickly as they've come, but not without disturbing her. She bends over, picks up a large stone, and throws it. She watches it tumble.
When she gets home she will not read or write. She will sit on her private porch (her reason for putting up with such a landlady) and stare up at the huge sky's numberless stars (her reason for living in such a town). She will be gone a month later, leaving like she came. She will leave the tomato and pepper plants. She will leave everything.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

3:43PM - Summer 2005 Whooo!

Coming home sorta feels like I've suspended my current and real life to play the part in a remix of what my life was and what it could be.

This is cool and stressful for more than 10 reasons...

I haven't been able to write here since I came home. I wasn't doing that good of a job to begin with, but now it seems out of the question.

I can't wait to get to Boston and see everyone there- I really miss Cathy and Fro. Come July I plan to chill with them and the city for a few days. I'm tired of Jersey- been tired of it since I got here. My parents told me that I would have to wait till their grandkids were grown for them to consider moving someplace else. That means I'm going to be visiting here for most of my life. This is okay because I remember being young here, and that helps. Here, like everyplace I've been, I like the trees and skies. These keep me entertained, when little else will.

I am really really excited about heading West. I can't wait to see everything! The Mississippi, Plains, Rockies, the West Coast. If anyone is interested in journeying across the country, you are most welcome. When I was little I thought my three girl cousins and I would rent a Winnebago and drive all over. A Winnebago would still be kickass...

Saturday, May 14, 2005

11:32PM - King of Carrot Flowers --part one--

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

Sunday, May 8, 2005

1:15AM - Until then you're invisible.

Do you ever see some life you feel you were living or may live? I see these flashes. They are simple, but layered. They come in bright and stay just long enough for me to begin breathing in. Usually I know they are dreams surfacing during waking hours. Sometimes they seem more mysterious, less familiar than my dreams.
Sustainability is going to be the word of the week.

Current mood: anytime

Monday, March 14, 2005

8:51PM - "My mind races with all my longings, but can't keep up with what I got."

I spend my days on campus at work, class, in my dorm. Outside. I spend my days getting high, toiling away the hours. Not doing the things on my to do list... I might ride my bike to the store for some bread and soymilk. I hang out with Kelley. I hang by myself. I see Rachelle often. Kaitlyn and Adrianne sometimes. Rarely Chandra.
Rachelle is the adorable African goddess I befriended here. She's intelligent. She knows what she wants. She makes faces at everyone for everything. Cute, coy faces. She loves to read and Jackie Brown. She's sometimes shy, but is constantly meeting new people. Mostly cute boys. There is something of  a cross between me and Linsy in this girl from Atlanta. She has the cutest fro, and I admire her choice in role models. I am able to speak with her without dumbing anything down. This is very important.

I've spent many moments these three years daydreaming words like those spoken since December. It's nice to able to share thoughts again. To miss someone without shame.  Knowing I wasn't soo silly. I don't feel as disjoined anymore. One might say it's encouraging.

The world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away.

After I kiss someone, after they never call back, I wonder what exactly dissuades them. Perhaps he perceived my lack of sincerity in our acts, but I doubt that would have stopped him from persuing (that often has the opposite effect on boys). It's true there were few affectionate feelings amid the platonic and lustful. Perhaps he perceieved my constant thoughts of selfdoubt and anxiety, and perceieved them as real.
Funny how often I'm revealed by writing things out. Naturally he sensed my thoughts, logically sensing them to be my character. If you are going to think doubtful, anxious things, people with feel it. They might think you are a doubtful anxious person.


I'm going to post now, because I started this many hours ago.

Current mood: and the start of a dream"

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

2:13AM - "Yeah these things take forever, I especially am slow."

I've only been up forty minutes. I keep dozing off at 9:30. Last night I slept all the way through to 7:30 this morn. I listened to this song, and started transcribing it. I checked it against one online, but it's mine... which I like... anyway, it made think about everyone that I love. That's why I love Conor so much. Why I love any of you I guess.

I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk
I keep waiving at the taxis they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they’ll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper have my own conversation
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

I know you have a heavy heart I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their back outs trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won’t exist

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one kid I think you got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening by the morning is such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious, I will try and do the same
But we might die from that occasion but we’re sure kill all the pain
What was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have runaway tbu the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend but it is one way
Because what’s simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

It was simple in the moonlight now it’s so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight…

I've missed home a lot lately. Dad said mom wants to go to the mountains as soon as I come home, which will be wonderful. But knowing it's winter (even if it's that sloshy-sping-is-on-the-way kinda winter), makes me less miss the natural environment than I do the social one.

...Cara, darling. You're going to have to go through some sort of "shock" therapy, if you plan to come here. I knew that I would have to deal with big bugs, but I didn't realize that I had to deal with bugs on a daily basis. I live with ants. There is a crawling thing aound kelley's desk now, rather like a tiny cockroach... I get shivers thinking about it, but it's life in a dorm in the tropics... maybe houses don't have this problem- I'll ask around.

I'm looking up animals on wikipedia.org. Cockroaches tonight, tanukis this afternoon, ants last night- owls now: "Owls are far-sighted, and are unable to clearly see anything within a few inches of their eyes. However, their vision, particularly in low light, is excellent.
Many owls can also hunt by sound in total darkness. The facial disc helps to funnel the sound of rodents to their ears, which are widely spaced and, in some species, placed asymmetrically, for better directional location."

We're dyeing in my fibers class, something wearable. This is good. I'm gonna try and do a dress from scratch. I'll let you know how it goes....
I'm going to go brush my teeth, stretch, and fall asleep. Sweet dreams, youngins.

Current mood: a word I can't remember

Saturday, February 5, 2005

11:08PM - Into the Woods

Today has been good. All 24 hours- every one was a joy to behold.

Good people. Falling asleep with a day of Mardi Gras festivities ahead. (Festivities: drinking and eating. And lots of both. I made up in the eating what I lacked in the drinking category.) The morning brought the first blue skies of the week. Lindsay, Kelley and I made our masks, and I wore my hip gold jacket.
My friend John is from New Orleans. He moved here with his parents seven months ago. They hosted the party. There was more than plenty of everything and it was all delicious. Both Dr. and Mrs. Hunter had great costumes on, especialely John Sr.'s. He pieced together a skirt with large leaves and rope. Dr. Hunter also brought out a cigar for me and Rachelle to smoke and made everyone BFRDs (BigFuckingRumDrinks). Their house sits on a hill with a view of the ocean and the mountains. There is a small bay below the house. At low tide when water is still and glassy it is more a giant reflective lake.
We went to Chinamen's Hat beach and stood in the coral at lowtide. We watched the pink and black clouds roll in as the sun fell. We took lots of pictures. We partayed from afternoon to evening. Everyone was happy.

Monday, January 17, 2005

8:48PM - Bang Bang I used to shoot you down.

I was five and he was six
we rode on horses made of sticks
he wore black and I wore white
he would always win the fight
bang, bang
he shot me down
bang, bang
I hit the ground
bang, bang
that awful sound, bang bang, my baby shot me down.
seasons came and changed the time, when I grew up I called him mine
he would always laugh and say remember when
we used to play bang bang I shot you down bang
bang you hit the ground bang bang that awful sound
bang bang I used to shoot you down
music played and people sang
just for me the church bells rang
now he's gone I don't know why
and to this day sometimes I cry
he didn't even say goodbye he didn't take the time to lie
bang, bang
he shot me down, bang bang
I hit the ground
bang, bang that awful sound, bang bang
my baby shot me down.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

10:01AM - The Whole World Reminds Me of My Dog

Q: I have been reading a lot about the teachings of JAH, and the history and beliefs of Rastafari. I have a Question, you see I am 16 years old and I am white. I would like to know, are white people allowed to be Rastafarians? because if they are I would very much like to be one. I started learning about Rastafarians I guess because of Bob Marley, I consider him my hero! I would appreciate a reply as soon as possible. Thank you and peace, Tim.

A: Rasta is only concerned with your heart

Perhaps it's Linsy's fault and all her excess of emotion in so many relationships that I seem to be falling for everyone lately...
It could be something entirely different, though.

And this still doesn't mean I want to be around them a whole lot. I just wanna love them.

But then again I wouldn't mind someone to nap with...

Current mood: rested and baked

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

8:10PM - Le vrai maision

If there were ever children ,I would raise them in an old church or castle- something made of stone at the very least. I was forever wishing to live in a castle, something full of hidden passages and peaks. Some of you might now be thinking chruches and fortresses are drafty places to be raising children. But this would only ensure that there would be plenty of snuggling, blanket wearing, making of fires, smores and stories.

Current mood: simple

Monday, December 27, 2004

7:44PM - Absolutely, Sweet Marie

Waiting. Waiting for weeks to end. As soon as they do I will want them back.

But I am anxious. Anxious for what could happen next.

Anxious to change. Changing to call myself truth.

I am slowly materalizing. Slowly coming to points and curves which I have always known, but never seen.

In these depths the wind of change begins. I tell it where to go. My will sweeps over.

I'm tired though.

The plane is empty, and the mountains hollow. The reminders I planted will not grow. The ache continues.

In the pink yellow between wake and sleep I placed a note for you to read. It was ten pages. I cut it back to three, when I heard Bob Dylan sing:

Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon," said I
Proud 'neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Girls' faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

A self-ordained professor's tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
"Equality," I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Copyright © 1964



Suddenly in the the dark shot the light. I spoke profane words to force the night back. It shrugged, going on without me. So I just stood and watched, too sad to turn my back.

Current mood: still

Thursday, December 9, 2004

2:36PM - Shame, shame shame.

Hawai'i is as remote as it gets. We're the furthest pieces of land from any other pieces of land anywhere on this little blue and green planet of ours. Jeff the philosopher let me in on this factiod.
Sometimes when you look up at the clouds or out at the ocean, you can feel the isolation. It can be a comfort. It can also scare the tar out of some. When we had the bad storm that caused the flood, my roommate was worried. She didn't want to die on an island in the middle of nowhere. She said this was fundamentally different than terrible hurricanes on the coast of Mississippi. I can only guess that makes sense.

My roommate has several shirts from the annual balloon race in her town, Natchez. Writing on on of the t-shirts reads like this: 2003 Annual Balloon Race Natchez, Misissippi.

Someone glued a quarter to the floor on the second floor of our building. While I was bending over trying to pick it up, I almost fell over laughing. But then I found another. One glued quarter is funny, but two was just weird. Then they put more down about two weeks later! Some people still laughed, but I am now convinced that whoever has been doing this is weirder than I am. I wish I knew who.

I have to upload 72 documents to email so that I can burn a disk. One at a time. Awesome.

Current mood: fuck you

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